It's the happiest day of your life so far, you take the test and the thing you've been wanting so bad is finally a reality. For me, I just knew so whilst I was at the shops after work I went and took a test in the bathroom, and then another - both positive - so excited I went to the gift shop bought ALOT of tissue paper and a gift box and hid the tests in there. When I got home, trying to keep my cool I gave the "gift" to my partner. We were over the moon, and there goes the bottle of wine I bought to splurge to celebrate moving into our new house. There it goes, back in the cupboard to sit there for the next 9 months, oh well!
Then the sickness hit, just take it on the chin. Lots of water and 20000 crackers later I survived the first trimester. Then the tiredness hit, going to bed at 7pm, struggling to wake up the next morning, having to fight myself to go to work, to actually hop in the shower. For someone who'd worn makeup every day for the last 10 years and wouldve never stepped outside without it on I couldn't do it - I couldn't put it on. Then the hair, I never washed it and left it in the bun. I thought nothing of it and assumed it was the norm of growing a baby, being so exhausted, but it was so much deeper then that.
My work started to decline, not being able to focus, not being as organised as I usually was - and let me tell you, when you're an Events Manager holding events and wedding every day you got to be organised - but I wasn't. Again I put it down to tiredness. But then the thoughts started, the doubts of whether we were doing the right thing, if I was even going to be a good mother, was I being selfish bringing this little baby into this world if I didn't know what I was doing, and wasn't going to be good enough. Will my partner still love me as my body changes, will he still love me afterwards. Am I strong enough.
I'd stand in the shower, sit in the car once reaching home and work and just cry and cry and cry. Then the panic attacks hit - I didn't get along with one of the other managers at work, she was verbally abusive, would leave me in tears and leave me in the bosses office having a panic attack. I'd get home, about to face my partner whilst feeling worthless and I'd have a panic attack. My biggest worry - does this make me an unfit mother? Will I have my baby taken from me?
A few times we'd fight, my partner and I and at the time it was all his fault but now, I look back and we weren't even fighting about anything it was just me. Just me, taking it out on him, taking work out on him, taking my worries out on him. Then the thoughts started, the thoughts of ending it, could I do it in a way that my baby could still be saved? That way my family and partner could maybe forgive me. Every tree I'd pass I'd start thinking about the best way to run into it...
Remember when I said I struggled to wash my hair, etc? Well I had hair down to my lower back and I stopped brushing it and left it in a bun... for months. So it ended up matted to my head. Which then made me more depressed.
I then hit the third trimester, I was really showing and I loved my bump.j.. I was starting to feel a bit more normal, and at that point I went to my partner and told him, I asked for help. I told him about my worries. Without him, I wouldn't of made it through without talking about it.
I put myself and my son first - I paid a cleaner to clean my house completely - clean house clean mind. I quit my job - That's right, I just quit it. It was a toxic environment, and I was better then stooping down to their level. I chopped the bun off - panicking I'd have to shave my head, I've ended up with a cute shoulder length cut. I went shopping, I know sounds cliche but we went shopping together for our son, my partner got me excited to buy clothes, books, furniture for our baby boy, we started walking, hand in hand every day and we spent time focusing on each other, showing each other how much we love each other and reigniting our spark.
It's a lot of trial and error, and not everyone has to drastically quit their job, but know you aren't alone and the first step is to talk to someone.
Seeing a doctor will help a lot, and thinking back now it's something I should've done. I don't know where I'd be without my partners support.
1 in 5 women suffer from Prenatal Depression, but it could be so many more as many people like me don't report it or seek professional help.
As with regular depression, there are some symptoms you can watch out for that may be an indication you’re dealing with more than the average case of the Mondays.
If you start regularly feeling sadness, emptiness or that something bad could happen to the baby, it may be a sign of prenatal depression.
Other symptoms may include:
Constantly feeling irritable
Feeling overwhelmed
Not wanting to leave the house
Experiencing ongoing panic, or panic attacks
Constant worrying – about your life and/or about the baby
Constant mood swings
Feel hopeless about life, or thinking you are ‘failing’
Not being able to feel joy in anything (even after a good sleep)
Developing obsessive or compulsive behaviours
Using drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism
Not communicating with friends or family
Feeling like you are not being a ‘good’ parent
Not practising adequate self-care – such as not showering, or not eating enough
Thinking about hurting yourself or your baby.
It is important to remember mumma, you are doing great. Your baby loves you, they don't need to most expensive pram, or the biggest house. They just need you, and you are enough.
To the Mumma struggling through pregnancy - I see you.
Do you or someone you know suffer from prenatal depression? Please reach out to someone you trust for help immediately.
https://www.panda.org.au/: Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia: helpline & digital support
https://www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au/: Pregnancy, birth and baby helpline
https://www.cope.org.au/about/about/: Centre of perinatal excellence
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